@ArbysBigM0ntana @michaelianblack This is the scariest thing to me. An acquaintance once told me he hoped someone would dare to break into his car so he would have an excuse to defend it. Not all, and maybe not most, but some gun owners will take any opportunity to play executioner.
RT @michaelianblack: 3 dead, 2 wounded at UVA. Manhunt underway. Guns are the problem. Guns are the problem. Guns are the problem. Guns a…
RT @michaelianblack: Not a history buff so don’t jump down my throat if this is a dumb question but has England ever had a king before?
@DougStanhope @michaelianblack Anticipating the follow up: “the green room speaker should have an off switch.”
@jonlovett @paulscheer Not Matt Gaetz, but @michaelianblack and @CavanaghTom do a serviceable job: matescast.com
@TVietor08 The hierarchy of masculinity is something @michaelianblack talks about in his fantastic book A Better Man. It's a great, easy read.
@michaelianblack Wasn't sitting down when I heard this and I wish I had been.
@michaelianblack Foolhardy. How often have you ever been "fine"?
@michaelianblack Whoa, Mr Hollywood! You must have had to pull a few strings for service like that.
@michaelianblack If you just fall off of the couch and sleep on the floor, at least your family will know you tried.
@michaelianblack That one almost got me too. Need to raise awareness.
@michaelianblack I knew it! @BarackObama is and has always been a fan of Captain Monterey Jack. CMJ is such an obvious inspiration in his speaking style.
@michaelianblack Maybe time to take a break, call up Tom and PER a snack?
@michaelianblack You look FINE in chinos. Stay humble.
@michaelianblack How have you never done a roast?
@michaelianblack I think some new regulations that restrict people from having guns if they believe that God wants them to have guns would be a very good place to start.
@michaelianblack Careful. You know they're already looking for an excuse to do #2.
@michaelianblack But we're pretty sure he didn't MEAN to. He just didn't know any better. It's kind of on us for leaving him alone with the world.
@michaelianblack I'm imagining elaborate displays, like a sky writer, or a call to each reader like "You know that was speculation right?"
@michaelianblack You say that now, but when Trump bans music you'll be able to hear the vile bullshit from Trump supporters all around you.
@michaelianblack Hey, Guy. It was a goof, okay? I'm always goofing. Ask anybody.
@michaelianblack Language feels so obligatory. Like he probably would have said something, but Trump was like "No, say it this way."
@michaelianblack Captain Kangaroo Jack was electrifying.
@michaelianblack They keep saying "your best days are behind you" as an insult, as if you didn't just write a book about basically that.
A review of @michaelianblack's book on a Stormfront-y site led to some eye-opening reading yesterday. Turning up the kindness to compensate.
@michaelianblack Layout mistake. You were meant to be in the list "10 People You Thought Had Been Eaten By Sharks Who Were Not".
@michaelianblack Have you ever written a book without that chapter? We all saw the subtext in Chicken Cheeks.
RT @KenMarino: @davidwain @michaelianblack @mshowalter Seems like the Stella boys are too cool for school. Or they forgot how to #gramyour…
@michaelianblack The one O-P-P that I am not down with.
@michaelianblack YES! I knew it would be cool again!
@michaelianblack Welp. This is pretty upsetting: dl.dropboxusercontent.com/1/view/zvc1mdj…
@michaelianblack Those belt buckles are great. I love knowing who is going to accidentally shoot me if a gunman or terrorist shows up.
@michaelianblack Until the toasts finish and you can finally eat?
@michaelianblack @ItCanWait If you two don't stop fighting, I'm going to drive this car right into a telephone pole.
@michaelianblack That tweet would have been WILD if you forgot the L in clock.
@michaelianblack If you could see the board from his level, it would all become clear. He's thinking twelve steps ahead.
@michaelianblack Seizure? I hardly know 'er.
@johnny920 In a diverse population it is natural that the police would be diverse. Limiting diversity is artificial. /cc @michaelianblack
@michaelianblack @johnny920 Diversity is essential for the police force of a diverse city. Diversity applies to groups, not individuals.
@michaelianblack How many people had to die first?
@michaelianblack You fucked up. How could you be so stupid? You always follow up with "Is there an excellent choice available?"
@michaelianblack After 54 years, they ought to know better! #easyJoke
@michaelianblack "for America." Yeah right. Last week it was Poland.
@michaelianblack In software there is a growing movement against ad-supported products. I think entertainment is overdue for the same.
@michaelianblack I think I've begun to prepare myself from the very moment I realize that I like a show on network TV these days.
@shiflett @FictiveCameron Check out How to be Amazing by @michaelianblack featuring @brooklynbeta favorite @tavitulle adbl.co/190vHlW
@AnaGasteyer @michaelianblack Same works for breast implants.
@michaelianblack Happens to the best of us. Glad to see it's not ONLY the best of us.
@michaelianblack How can VH1 expect you to help with "I love the…" when you were on MTV 20 years ago? Everyone is trying to depreciate you.
Whoops. That last tweet (deleted) was supposed to be a reply to @michaelianblack. The rest of you were never on MTV, and VH1 expects nothing
@michaelianblack I assume this is the B-grade clone of Dexter?
@michaelianblack The perfect @MikeandTom theme song: youtube.com/watch?v=pid5kc…
@michaelianblack More Alive Than Ever, Stupid.
@michaelianblack Happy Endings and The New Girl are also great shows that don't belong in the same genre as Louie or Girls. Or Stella.
@michaelianblack Louie and Girls are both as much drama as comedy. It's a great genre, but Stella stood out for its commitment to silliness.
@michaelianblack You seem to think he hasn't.
@dogfishbeer @michaelianblack What a wonderful combination.
@McCainBlogette For the good of the party, you must mention @MikeAndTom Eat Snacks on the @todayshow tomorrow. /cc @michaelianblack
@michaelianblack I'll be wishing for you too!
@michaelianblack I like a good mango salsa. I like pretty much any kind of salsa. It's a superfood, I think.
@michaelianblack Well done.
@michaelianblack Not cheating if there is an oversized stuffed animal changing hands.
@michaelianblack Thanks for coming out tonight! You guys totally proved all of my friends who say your live show sucks to be hyperbolizers.
@michaelianblack That's a legitimate and well known phenomenon called semantic satiation. Also, bring your a-game to CMU next week.
@michaelianblack That's one hell of a blessing.
@michaelianblack Are you volunteering? "Comedian Michael Black dies to raise spirits in light of Haiti tragedy." The stuff of legend.
RT @michaelianblack: Let's make 2010 the year we defeat poverty and replace it with tricked-out snowmobiles!
@michaelianblack Democracy just kicked All the World's ass. Big time. Actually, it was me. I kicked All the World's ass.
@michaelianblack Tell your fans to click this URL to vote for you instantly (which means faster!): http://bit.ly/1nrEFf It works.
@michaelianblack I've got you covered on the votes. Don't you worry.
@michaelianblack You can thank me at your leisure.
@michaelianblack Oh, crap! I didn't realize there was a second page. Consider yourself voted for.
@michaelianblack Damnit, Black (not racist) I thought you were serious that time. You're a sandbagging son of a bitch.
@michaelianblack And then I say something.
@michaelianblack The way you describe your family dynamic on twitter reminds me a lot of the song Bounce by Sage Francis. Check it out.
@michaelianblack Michael Schwartz could have been my main man. Michael Ian Black? No way.
@mshowalter @michaelianblack First ep was good, but you showed too much beforehand. Second ep was, well, the third ep is great so far. #MMHI
Celebrating… something… with @michaelianblack and @mshowalter. Hope tonight's episode doesn't suck! #MMHI
@michaelianblack Maybe after they crank out a few more scripts for #MMHI they can play. In this economy, the kids have to contribute.
RT @michaelianblack: "Happy Canada Day," which in America is pronounced "Who gives a shit?"
@michaelianblack You should slap the extra twice, to show that bastard @robhuebel who's boss.
@michaelianblack I'll take black the night tonight since there's nothing good on TV anyway. #shazbot
@michaelianblack @davidwain @mshowalter Introduced a friend to both Arrested Development and Stella, and she preferred Stella. Yaaaaaay!!!!